Billo!

George W might not be the best president we’ve ever had, nor the brightest, but he’s a solid contender for President With the Biggest Cojones: He thanked U.S. troops today for serving extended tours of duty, saying in part “Some [of you] were boarding the plane home to return to your families when you got word that we’d extended your tour. I know that was a trying time. But no change in plans could shake your resolve.”

Actually, every last man and woman getting on those planes had resolved to go home. The government was extending their tours unilaterally, evoking the enlistment agreement’s “Once you sign this we own your ass” clause.

“As you know, you go to war with the army you have, not the army you might want or wish to have at a later time” -Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.

Except that if the army you have isn’t large enough for the military adventure you wish to stage, there’s nothing wrong with acquiring the army you want by forcing members of the National Guard into active service overseas.

So the Reverend Pat Robertson tells us he warned Bush against invading Iraq because “the Lord told me it was going to be A, a disaster, and B, messy.” What’s troubling here is the Bush claims that God told him that he should invade. And we’re supposed to be worried about John Kerry’s flip-flops???

Assuming neither of these men is actually deluded, we can only assume that God is suffering from Multiple Personality Disorder. I guess we should hope He doesn’t wake up one day and think He’s SkyNet.

Or else it’s possible Bush and Robertson simply never asked for proper identification. “George, go invade Iraq.” “Are you God?” “Um… yeah, whatever, that’s me. Sure, I’m God.”

Big news: John Kerry might have had a girlfriend on the side. Was it really so bad the last time the Democrats had a candidate who couldn’t keep his zipper closed? He won the nomination, was elected President, and was the first Democrat in over half a century to be elected to two terms. The economy was good, and the Constitution was still in effect. Would you rather read headlines about soldiers being blown up, or the President being blown?

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A Tennessee woman is suing Janet Jackson (and Timberlake, CBS and MTV) for compensatory and punitive damages, claiming that Jackson’s exposure caused her to “suffer outrage, anger, embarrassment and serious injury.” I’m thinking Johnnie Cochran must be dying to defend Jackson: “If it’s not the whole tit, you must acquit”

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I really don’t care that the woman in the supermarket this morning was having trouble with her cell phone reception while she was getting instructions on what fruits and vegetables her family needed: Anybody who actually walks down an aisle saying “Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now?” needs to be smacked.

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Victoria’s Secret is selling flannel nightgowns. That’s just so very wrong.

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Looking at the defense and homeland security budgets, it’s impossible to miss the fact that terrorism and other threats from the Moslem world account for an overwhelming percentage of it. Now obviously, it’s in the best interests of neither the United States (some opportunistic members of the administration notwithstanding) nor the Moslem community here and abroad to have this perceived as a U.S. vs Islam conflict.

Now, the only way to remove the Moslem=terrorist link in the collective mind of the Western World would be for prominent Moslem leaders throughout the world to absolutely denounce terrorism. No equivocating. Just stand up and announce that it’s wrong.

“But Billo, people have suggested this before, and it’s just plain unfair that we should single out Moslems and force them to publicly denounce terrorism!”

Well you know what? This is all unfair. It’s unfair to the 3000 people who were killed when the Twin Towers came down. It’s unfair to their families. It’s unfair to the people living in New York City’s Chinatown, whose businesses were destroyed when the entire area was effectively shut down. It’s unfair to everybody who travels by plane and needs to get to the airport an hour or two earlier than before and whose flight might be diverted because it turns out somebody accidentally carried a nail-clipper on board or looks at a stewardess the wrong way. It’s unfair to everybody. The only people who came out ahead on this were George Bush, John Ashcroft, Rudolph Giuliani and the asshole who was in lower Manhattan just hours after the 9/11 attacks selling “I Can’t Believe I Made It Out!” t-shirts.

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A judge has ruled that online pop-ups were legal, protected as free speech. I assume it would be equally legal for somebody to interrupt a trial in his courtroom every three minutes by jumping up and screaming “YOUR HONOR, YOUR PENIS IS TOO SMALL!”

Okay, Bush has declared that the war in Iraq is over. We won. Are the troops coming home? No, apparently they’re scheduled to stay there indefinitely, so they can… be targets? The party line is that they’re remaining in Iraq to help them rebuild their government. Here’s a thought: If the war’s really over, it’s time for the troops to come home. Their job is done. If we now need to help the Iraqis rebuild their government, send the politicians over there. Start with the ones who voted for the war in the first place either out of genuine conviction or poliitical expediency.

Or here’s another idea: Saddam was a threat to the world. Well, we got rid of him and his government and maybe now we should leave while there are still some Iraqis who don’t hate us. Let them create whatever new government they want, with this warning: We decided your old leader was a threat, so we came in and kicked his ass. If your new government becomes a threat to us, we’ll come in and kick some asses again.

Simple, effective, and it eliminates the need to become an occupying force.